I've got a pretty strong personality, no, I admit it, I can be brash, abrasive and down-right nasty(but usually only to idiots that give me erroneous information about my kids <cough> school district/behavioral health/medical professionals <cough>). I get into the *most* trouble, though, when I try and force my will over the top of God's will.
This most often takes the form of me insisting that something *has-to* happen for my very existence to be complete. Hm, and as I'm writing this, it usually deals with what I think I need to be stable and not what really needs to happen. For instance, I was called to be the Young Womens' president when I had 4 kids in diapers and had just received the twins' autism diagnosis, we live in Germany, oh, yeah, and Tod had just left for Iraq. I was okay with the calling, as long as I could have *these* sisters as my counselors (they would be my back-up safety net, we could all be strong together). Instead, the bishop suggested a new sister in the ward, one who was a little *out there*, a convert who had never been through the YW program. Well, guess what? The Spirit said, Yep, so that is who was called. She was fabulous and there were so may times that we grew as a group. She even took the girls to Girls' Camp(one of many times I've had to sacrifice what *I* wanted to do for the sake of my kids), and our ward got the award for...the Most Spiritual! Talk about an achievement!! While the sisters I had in mind for the calling would have served wonderfully and the program would have flourished, there were lessons we all had to learn that would only have been possible with this particular sister as my counselor.
Flash forward to not quite 5 years ago. We went to Kris' Camp for the first time, and the boys were introduced to Facilitated Communication and neurologic music therapy(and *yes*, the neurologic component makes a HUGE difference!). Here my non-verbal 8 year old twins went from no communication to typing things like "Please tell Mommy I'm sorry I'm not such a good boy sometimes," to Spencer typing he understood his body was defective, he didn't like it, and he wanted a new one. I saw the changes immediately. Who wouldn't want the progress to continue?? So I *made* weekly therapy appointments happen, along with some tremendous influence from Heavenly Father. As I set things up, I knew the financial strain would cut a very fine line for our budget. Weekly trips to Phoenix, on top of the actual cost of the therapy...for 4 boys...that all adds up. I prayed and prayed and prayed about this, and came back with the answer that I would need to be responsible for the consequences of this decision. I'm very grateful for the time the boys had with NMTSA and the progress they made, the wonderful people we met, and the extremely large impact that particular paradigm shift had on our family. Unfortunately, because of the financial strain, I almost lost the house. Fortunately, we have loving family members that helped bail us out, but ultimately, my decision almost resulted in our family losing our home. I rationalized with the best: how could I cut off the one outlet the twins had for communication? How could I stop the one therapy that was providing positive input and fostering self-control and independence? How could I open those doors for my boys and then slam them shut before they even had the opportunity to fully walk through them? And then I was reminded, it doesn't really matter if they don't have a place to live...
Now for my current situation: I'm part of a wonderful online group on FaceBook of LDS widows and widowers. There is an annual conference held in Utah in the middle of March. I thought about going last year, but it was over the kids' Spring Break and there were some major personal shifts happening in the home. But this year, I really wanted to go. I've connected with more of the other members of the group, both via FaceBook and some in person, and I know the experience would be spiritual, uplifting, wonderful, etc, etc. It is, again, over the boys' Spring Break, which presents some unique challenges. I don't currently have staff/people that could watch the boys when they are out of school, so I'd have to scramble to make it happen, and so I was waiting... I wanted to go up to Utah a few days early and see dear friends that I haven't seen in years and years, so I was planning on going up a few days before the conference. Needless to say, it's just not going to happen.
I'm grateful for my personal growth, because this is exactly the type of situation that I would have *forced* in the past. I was in tune enough to know that I needed to wait before I made any definite plans, like purchasing plane tickets or making hotel reservations. I'm even more grateful that I don't have the burning need to know why it's not best for me to go to the conference. Did you see that? It's not *best*. I'm reminded of the analogy that God never answers our prayers with a "No." He says, "Yes," "Not now," or "I've got something better in mind." Well, I'm really excited to see what is better for me than the W/W conference in Utah!
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