I've been reading Dallin H. Oaks book titled Life's Lessons Learned: Personal Reflections. There is an entire chapter focused on timing, which he admits takes liberally from a talk first given at BYU in January 2002. Here is a Ensign article based off that talk:
http://lds.org/liahona/2003/10/timing?lang=eng&query=timing+h+%28name%3a%22Dallin+H.+Oaks%22%29
As I read the book and the article in the Ensign, I came to some profound understanding of how the Lord works in my life. There have been times I've received personal answers to prayers, or personal revelation, that was in direct opposition to another person in the same experience. Of course, I mean the subject of marriage. I had been dating a guy for several months and we both thought it was time to ask the Lord if our relationship was headed for marriage. We both prayed; I received a "yes", he received a "no". In fact, as we sat and discussed our answers, even the very way the room felt for each of us was in direct opposition (one was freezing, the other roasting hot). I didn't understand at the time how two people could get diametrically opposed answers to the exact same question.
Here is some insight from Elder Oaks: "I have had to learn that in most big decisions, what is most important is to do the right thing. Second, and only slightly behind the first, is to do the right thing at the right time. If we do the right thing at the wrong time, we can be frustrated and ineffective. We can even be confused about whether we have made the right choice when what was wrong was not our choice but our timing."
Elder Oaks also relies on words from Elder Neal A. Maxwell in regards to faith in the Lord's timing. Elder Maxwell says, "The issue for us is trusting God enough to trust also His timing. If we
can truly believe He has our welfare at heart, may we not let His plans
unfold as He thinks best? The same is true with the second coming and
with all those matters wherein our faith needs to include faith in the
Lord’s timing for us personally, not just in His overall plans and
purposes." Even As I Am,(1982), 93.
By having, and exercising, faith in the Lord's timing, I release the pent up worry and stress and confusion that otherwise plagues me. I know Heavenly Father loves me, knows my needs, wants, and desires, and I know He has unlimited blessings He is willing to pour out upon my head. My faith, right now, is trusting that He will give me exactly what I need, even in the very moment I need it.
Monday, January 23, 2012
Saturday, January 21, 2012
What if....
A friend posted on the W/W group yesterday:
"What if my wife passed away so I could be with the person I was supposed to spend my lifetime with, and possibly eternity?"
This is something that I have thought and pondered on, and I have definite opinions about. And since this is my blog, I get to pontificate =)
I believe that Tod and I sat in council in the premortal existence, together as a couple and with others who would impact our lives, parents, siblings, children, friends. I believe we had a road map of the challenges we would face, individually and as a couple and family. I also believe that, with a loving Heavenly Father and Heavenly Mother, we were given the opportunity to figure things out and make contingency plans... "If this, then..." type of solutions to what we would experience here on Earth. This way of thinking brings me a lot of comfort, as I am not having to come up with a solution now as much as remember what was already planned and formulated.
Our marriage wasn't perfect, we had times of conflict and times of joy. What we did have was a working marriage, where each of us had matured to the point that we could own our personal responsibilities for how the relationship was progressing, and we made changes so that we could be happy. The biggest characteristic that had grown a lot was communication. We were each secure enough in our individual self-worth that we didn't take offense at what the other said or did, we talked through issues that came up, we plotted the path we wanted the family to take...and then he was gone.
About 6 months after Tod died, I was really mad at him...because there wasn't someone to take his place. We had always talked as if I would be the one to die first, and I promised that I would have someone on his doorstep asap to be a helpmeet for him, especially with our group of kids to parent. I wondered why he hadn't done the same for me!! My sweet sister commented, and the spirit confirmed, that one of the very first things Tod did once he was on the other side of the veil was set things in motion for me and the kids to be taken care of, but more especially me. I needed her words to remind me of the love Tod had, and still **HAS**, for me. He has, in deed, put things together such that I can be happy in the rest of my mortal existence, and that means finding love again.
I've had a handful of experiences with single men and the dating world since
Tod died. I really felt compelled to join some online dating sites, but quickly learned that is not the route for me to take. I did go out to San Diego with a friend and kids, where I did go on a group date with a widower. He was really sweet, told me it was much too soon after Tod died to be dating, and he was right. But the experience taught me much. We took a tour of the LDS museum in Old San Diego of the Mormon Battalion. In one of the presentations, President Brigham Young talks of the blessings given to the soldiers and their families who sacrificed to be a part of the Mormon Battalion. Tod always talked about how he wanted to see the reinstatement of that battalion...I was able to cry then, without getting mad first...
Then there was a guy in Dallas, but he didn't want to have much to do with me because I was already sealed to Tod, and since his wife was still alive but divorced, he wanted someone to take to the temple...
Then there was a guy in Bisbee, just down the road...that was fun in that I could actually see and talk ton him more often in person and not just via phone or computer...
Then there was the English professor that was still hung up over his ex-wife, who now lives in Sierra Vista...
And then there is Dave....that's worth an entire post in and of itself...
The whole point of that list is to show me that Tod has been leading me along, helping me keep hope in the future, that I haven't been forgotten and that there is someone out there that will marry me.
At one point, I came to realize, who would Tod trust to take care of his wife and family if something happened to him? From his military background, he would ask his battle buddy, his best friend. I think he did just that, only the asking happened in the pre-existence, not here on earth. So this is someone we all sat in council with, Tod's best friend. But Tod is my best friend as well...so that as of now unknown man is my best friend too...
I kind of like the idea that my future husband is my best friend. I have no clue what sort of life experiences he will have, but I do know he will be super special; he'd have to be to walk into this situation. :)
And to answer the question posed at the beginning of this post, I read this yesterday:
"What if my wife passed away so I could be with the person I was supposed to spend my lifetime with, and possibly eternity?"
This is something that I have thought and pondered on, and I have definite opinions about. And since this is my blog, I get to pontificate =)
I believe that Tod and I sat in council in the premortal existence, together as a couple and with others who would impact our lives, parents, siblings, children, friends. I believe we had a road map of the challenges we would face, individually and as a couple and family. I also believe that, with a loving Heavenly Father and Heavenly Mother, we were given the opportunity to figure things out and make contingency plans... "If this, then..." type of solutions to what we would experience here on Earth. This way of thinking brings me a lot of comfort, as I am not having to come up with a solution now as much as remember what was already planned and formulated.
Our marriage wasn't perfect, we had times of conflict and times of joy. What we did have was a working marriage, where each of us had matured to the point that we could own our personal responsibilities for how the relationship was progressing, and we made changes so that we could be happy. The biggest characteristic that had grown a lot was communication. We were each secure enough in our individual self-worth that we didn't take offense at what the other said or did, we talked through issues that came up, we plotted the path we wanted the family to take...and then he was gone.
About 6 months after Tod died, I was really mad at him...because there wasn't someone to take his place. We had always talked as if I would be the one to die first, and I promised that I would have someone on his doorstep asap to be a helpmeet for him, especially with our group of kids to parent. I wondered why he hadn't done the same for me!! My sweet sister commented, and the spirit confirmed, that one of the very first things Tod did once he was on the other side of the veil was set things in motion for me and the kids to be taken care of, but more especially me. I needed her words to remind me of the love Tod had, and still **HAS**, for me. He has, in deed, put things together such that I can be happy in the rest of my mortal existence, and that means finding love again.
I've had a handful of experiences with single men and the dating world since
Tod died. I really felt compelled to join some online dating sites, but quickly learned that is not the route for me to take. I did go out to San Diego with a friend and kids, where I did go on a group date with a widower. He was really sweet, told me it was much too soon after Tod died to be dating, and he was right. But the experience taught me much. We took a tour of the LDS museum in Old San Diego of the Mormon Battalion. In one of the presentations, President Brigham Young talks of the blessings given to the soldiers and their families who sacrificed to be a part of the Mormon Battalion. Tod always talked about how he wanted to see the reinstatement of that battalion...I was able to cry then, without getting mad first...
Then there was a guy in Dallas, but he didn't want to have much to do with me because I was already sealed to Tod, and since his wife was still alive but divorced, he wanted someone to take to the temple...
Then there was a guy in Bisbee, just down the road...that was fun in that I could actually see and talk ton him more often in person and not just via phone or computer...
Then there was the English professor that was still hung up over his ex-wife, who now lives in Sierra Vista...
And then there is Dave....that's worth an entire post in and of itself...
The whole point of that list is to show me that Tod has been leading me along, helping me keep hope in the future, that I haven't been forgotten and that there is someone out there that will marry me.
At one point, I came to realize, who would Tod trust to take care of his wife and family if something happened to him? From his military background, he would ask his battle buddy, his best friend. I think he did just that, only the asking happened in the pre-existence, not here on earth. So this is someone we all sat in council with, Tod's best friend. But Tod is my best friend as well...so that as of now unknown man is my best friend too...
I kind of like the idea that my future husband is my best friend. I have no clue what sort of life experiences he will have, but I do know he will be super special; he'd have to be to walk into this situation. :)
And to answer the question posed at the beginning of this post, I read this yesterday:
From Dallin H. Oaks' book, Life Lessons Learned: Personal Reflections. Here
is a quote from the chapter titled Looking Into The Future:
"I don't know the answers to these and many other such questions. What I do know is that when we are uncertain about some gospel principle or future event, it is usually best to act on what we do know and trust in a loving Heavenly Father to give us further knowledge when we really need it. If we seek a firmer understanding and a better practice of the basic principles of the gospel while trusting in God for the outcome - not seeking to know the details we have not been given and probably could not understand if we had - we will be given the peace to live with the uncertainties."
"I don't know the answers to these and many other such questions. What I do know is that when we are uncertain about some gospel principle or future event, it is usually best to act on what we do know and trust in a loving Heavenly Father to give us further knowledge when we really need it. If we seek a firmer understanding and a better practice of the basic principles of the gospel while trusting in God for the outcome - not seeking to know the details we have not been given and probably could not understand if we had - we will be given the peace to live with the uncertainties."
Friday, January 20, 2012
Tender Mercies
I posted a few days ago on Facebook about tender mercies, linked in a talk given in the April 2005 General Conference of the church by Elder Bednar. I'll see if I can add the link here as well.
http://lds.org/liahona/2005/05/the-tender-mercies-of-the-lord?lang=eng&query=tender+mercies
Tender mercies are a very important topic to the group of LDS widows and widowers (hereafter referred to as W/Ws) that I am a part of on Facebook. There are almost 700 members of the group as of this posting, with more being added on a daily basis. We all come from very different parts of the world, different walks of life, different relationships in our marriages and with our children. However, we have each lost a spouse, and that is a very playing field leveling experience.
To me, tender mercies are the little things that show me Heavenly Father loves me and knows me personally. Some of the tender mercies that I have received over the past 17 months include:
1)Utter and complete peace when finding out that Tod had died. I was comforting others in their tears. Since Tod was killed in a car accident, there was the possibility to forget about what had happened as I fell asleep each night, only to have the reality come crashing back down on me each time I woke up. That never happened. For the first few weeks, every time I woke up and remembered what had taken place, I had a smile on my face and peace and comfort in my heart.
2)Tod was with the family for 6 months out of the last 3 years of his life. We chose for him to be stationed in Korea for 2 years so that he could get back to Ft. Huachuca and be with us. That never happened. He was only able to get as close as Ft. Bliss, still 5 hours away from us. Trips home for him were maybe once a month for the last 9 months. However, I feel that prepared the kids and me for the ultimate reality of his death. We were used to him being gone, in taking care of business on our own, and not looking for him to walk through the door every night. Mara makes comments to her friends, when they ask, "Don't you miss your dad?", "Not really...it's kinda like he's still deployed..." Why, yes he is, fighting battles on the other side of the veil for all of us.
3)I have been given, even in the very moment, the perfect things to say to my kids to help them understand the death of their father. Seth, when we told the kids Monday night that Tod had died, wanted to know who was going to adopt him. In his mind, only a family with two parents was where he wanted to be. I was inspired to remind Seth that there was something special for the family happening the next day that I really wanted him to participate in...would he please stay one more day? This continued for about 10 days, enough time for Seth to adjust and realize that this is his family, even if there is just one parent he can see right now.
That's what I can come up with right now...I will add more as I go along!
http://lds.org/liahona/2005/05/the-tender-mercies-of-the-lord?lang=eng&query=tender+mercies
Tender mercies are a very important topic to the group of LDS widows and widowers (hereafter referred to as W/Ws) that I am a part of on Facebook. There are almost 700 members of the group as of this posting, with more being added on a daily basis. We all come from very different parts of the world, different walks of life, different relationships in our marriages and with our children. However, we have each lost a spouse, and that is a very playing field leveling experience.
To me, tender mercies are the little things that show me Heavenly Father loves me and knows me personally. Some of the tender mercies that I have received over the past 17 months include:
1)Utter and complete peace when finding out that Tod had died. I was comforting others in their tears. Since Tod was killed in a car accident, there was the possibility to forget about what had happened as I fell asleep each night, only to have the reality come crashing back down on me each time I woke up. That never happened. For the first few weeks, every time I woke up and remembered what had taken place, I had a smile on my face and peace and comfort in my heart.
2)Tod was with the family for 6 months out of the last 3 years of his life. We chose for him to be stationed in Korea for 2 years so that he could get back to Ft. Huachuca and be with us. That never happened. He was only able to get as close as Ft. Bliss, still 5 hours away from us. Trips home for him were maybe once a month for the last 9 months. However, I feel that prepared the kids and me for the ultimate reality of his death. We were used to him being gone, in taking care of business on our own, and not looking for him to walk through the door every night. Mara makes comments to her friends, when they ask, "Don't you miss your dad?", "Not really...it's kinda like he's still deployed..." Why, yes he is, fighting battles on the other side of the veil for all of us.
3)I have been given, even in the very moment, the perfect things to say to my kids to help them understand the death of their father. Seth, when we told the kids Monday night that Tod had died, wanted to know who was going to adopt him. In his mind, only a family with two parents was where he wanted to be. I was inspired to remind Seth that there was something special for the family happening the next day that I really wanted him to participate in...would he please stay one more day? This continued for about 10 days, enough time for Seth to adjust and realize that this is his family, even if there is just one parent he can see right now.
That's what I can come up with right now...I will add more as I go along!
Trapped, Part 2
So, I did my first post, and then I was poking around on Facebook and saw a link to a youtube post about an amazingly intelligent girl with autism....Hmmmm, I think, so I actually click on the link and watch the story...
Segue, I usually avoid any and all posts on Facebook dealing with autism, kinda like I avoid TV programs where characters have Apserger's Syndrome or autism...lots of parents with kids on the spectrum find comfort in the story lines that parallel their own lives; I don't. I almost feel like it makes my life more real, seeing it played out on the Television screen...so I avoid Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, Eureka, Parenthood, and that new one coming out on Fox with Kiefer Sutherland. I mean, really, if that was the sort of entertainment I was looking for, I'd videotape my own life and play it on a continuous loop...
So, I took a look at this clip on youtube that featured Carly, a 14 year old in Canada who started typing to communicate 3 years ago. My heart broke as I watched the footage of the hours upon hours of ABA therapy, the repetitive behaviors, the commentary from the psychiatrist that mentioned moderate to severe mental retardation...I was fortunate to be blessed with an understanding very early in the process of playing the system that my kids were smart, regardless of how they performed on a standardized test.
However, Carly's own words touched my heart even more, how she is trapped in the body of autism, how she just wants to be like the other kids at school, but doesn't want to be made fun of when her body is out of the control of her mind. I see my own boys' struggle as she has her meltdowns, and then explains to us exactly why that happens.
How would I feel if I was dumped on a foreign shore, blinded by the sun, walking around in clothes that fit too tight, the sounds coming at me comparable to heavy metal music blaring from an MP3 player with earbuds I can't remove. How would I react when someone came up behind me and tried to give me a hug? How would I communicate even my most basic needs when I can't get my vocal cords to respond to my mental commands? Would I even want to when I hear my own voice and it sounds like a baby's? How would I tell people of my heartbreak when Tod died? The loneliness and desolation, the devastation and remorse for all that is lost with his death?
Sometimes I wonder if I'm being "fair" to the twins, in *not* forcing them to communicate more at home via facilitated communication. I've had the training multiple times and feel good about doing it with them. However, the emotional ties between each of us, and the very obvious demands of the home environment, don't make for a good place to start.
Segue, I usually avoid any and all posts on Facebook dealing with autism, kinda like I avoid TV programs where characters have Apserger's Syndrome or autism...lots of parents with kids on the spectrum find comfort in the story lines that parallel their own lives; I don't. I almost feel like it makes my life more real, seeing it played out on the Television screen...so I avoid Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, Eureka, Parenthood, and that new one coming out on Fox with Kiefer Sutherland. I mean, really, if that was the sort of entertainment I was looking for, I'd videotape my own life and play it on a continuous loop...
So, I took a look at this clip on youtube that featured Carly, a 14 year old in Canada who started typing to communicate 3 years ago. My heart broke as I watched the footage of the hours upon hours of ABA therapy, the repetitive behaviors, the commentary from the psychiatrist that mentioned moderate to severe mental retardation...I was fortunate to be blessed with an understanding very early in the process of playing the system that my kids were smart, regardless of how they performed on a standardized test.
However, Carly's own words touched my heart even more, how she is trapped in the body of autism, how she just wants to be like the other kids at school, but doesn't want to be made fun of when her body is out of the control of her mind. I see my own boys' struggle as she has her meltdowns, and then explains to us exactly why that happens.
How would I feel if I was dumped on a foreign shore, blinded by the sun, walking around in clothes that fit too tight, the sounds coming at me comparable to heavy metal music blaring from an MP3 player with earbuds I can't remove. How would I react when someone came up behind me and tried to give me a hug? How would I communicate even my most basic needs when I can't get my vocal cords to respond to my mental commands? Would I even want to when I hear my own voice and it sounds like a baby's? How would I tell people of my heartbreak when Tod died? The loneliness and desolation, the devastation and remorse for all that is lost with his death?
Sometimes I wonder if I'm being "fair" to the twins, in *not* forcing them to communicate more at home via facilitated communication. I've had the training multiple times and feel good about doing it with them. However, the emotional ties between each of us, and the very obvious demands of the home environment, don't make for a good place to start.
Trapped!!
HA! Epiphany....
Processing is an almost daily occurance for me, some days more weightier than others. The new year brought lots of new ideas and experiences that I was just itching to try out. With 20 days of the year under my belt, I've come to the realization that I feel trapped in my life. The trapped feeling started 9 1/2 years ago with the twins diagnosis of autism. It has undergone several metamorphises over the years, lessening and increasing depending on other circumstances. I deal with this feeling, some days in a productive manner, and others in a not so productive way. I think a lot of these feelings have surfaced again for me right now so that I can deal with them once and for all. I feel trapped, but I still have a wonderful daughter at home that takes up a lot of the slack. No, that's not what I'd like for her, but it is what it is. At least we are all aware of it and can take steps to ameliorate(HA! I used a big word!!) the repercussions. Well, Mara is planning to spend her senior year of high school in New Zealand as a foreign exchange student. I want that for her, and we are working to make that a reality for her. But then, my reliable, go-to person who can handle the boys while I decompress will be half-way round the globe and in a different hemisphere! I will, for the very first time, have to step up and be the one who takes care of the boys 24/7, most likely with few breaks. Oh, sure, there are people that can, and will, come in to help. But that burden will be mine. I need to own it....and I'm not sure I want to.
Processing is an almost daily occurance for me, some days more weightier than others. The new year brought lots of new ideas and experiences that I was just itching to try out. With 20 days of the year under my belt, I've come to the realization that I feel trapped in my life. The trapped feeling started 9 1/2 years ago with the twins diagnosis of autism. It has undergone several metamorphises over the years, lessening and increasing depending on other circumstances. I deal with this feeling, some days in a productive manner, and others in a not so productive way. I think a lot of these feelings have surfaced again for me right now so that I can deal with them once and for all. I feel trapped, but I still have a wonderful daughter at home that takes up a lot of the slack. No, that's not what I'd like for her, but it is what it is. At least we are all aware of it and can take steps to ameliorate(HA! I used a big word!!) the repercussions. Well, Mara is planning to spend her senior year of high school in New Zealand as a foreign exchange student. I want that for her, and we are working to make that a reality for her. But then, my reliable, go-to person who can handle the boys while I decompress will be half-way round the globe and in a different hemisphere! I will, for the very first time, have to step up and be the one who takes care of the boys 24/7, most likely with few breaks. Oh, sure, there are people that can, and will, come in to help. But that burden will be mine. I need to own it....and I'm not sure I want to.
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