HA! Epiphany....
Processing is an almost daily occurance for me, some days more weightier than others. The new year brought lots of new ideas and experiences that I was just itching to try out. With 20 days of the year under my belt, I've come to the realization that I feel trapped in my life. The trapped feeling started 9 1/2 years ago with the twins diagnosis of autism. It has undergone several metamorphises over the years, lessening and increasing depending on other circumstances. I deal with this feeling, some days in a productive manner, and others in a not so productive way. I think a lot of these feelings have surfaced again for me right now so that I can deal with them once and for all. I feel trapped, but I still have a wonderful daughter at home that takes up a lot of the slack. No, that's not what I'd like for her, but it is what it is. At least we are all aware of it and can take steps to ameliorate(HA! I used a big word!!) the repercussions. Well, Mara is planning to spend her senior year of high school in New Zealand as a foreign exchange student. I want that for her, and we are working to make that a reality for her. But then, my reliable, go-to person who can handle the boys while I decompress will be half-way round the globe and in a different hemisphere! I will, for the very first time, have to step up and be the one who takes care of the boys 24/7, most likely with few breaks. Oh, sure, there are people that can, and will, come in to help. But that burden will be mine. I need to own it....and I'm not sure I want to.
Lynette,
ReplyDeleteI wish I could hug you right now.
I have to deal with four boys, but it's nothing like what you have to deal with. I know it must have taken a lot of time for you to accept the ways things are going to be in your life, but you're doing better than you think.
Despite everything and all of the challenges in your life, you have so many blessings!
Mara is an amazing girl and I'm happy that she has the opportunity to go away and experience to new things in her life. It will be great for her. I know she is very well prepared and very mature for her age.
It might not be easy for you, especially at the beginning, but you will get into a new routine, and I trust your local friends to step in and help you, show you their love and support.
Even though you may feel lonely sometimes, you are not.
It looks like you think a lot, that you analyze things a lot. It will help you, but it can also make you tired, so give your mind some rest from time to time.
You're strong. You need a bit more patience in your life and keep doing what you do. Your boys are getting the best education available and it's amazing to see how far they've come. Life can be hard with their autism, but they make you stronger.
It's great that you decided to create this blog and write your thoughts. I love the way you write, by the way. Looking forward to reading more entries soon.
Take care Lynette.
I know it feels like a burden many, many days and Lord knows I would feel that way with your load. It is easy to say - harder to do - I know from experience. The trick is to see it all as a gift from heaven - something we signed up for and is here to teach us; even when we are tired of learning and feel we are unteachable.
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